It’s amazing how it’s so easy to get mad at your kids, and sometimes find yourself acting like a child yourself when you get pushed too far, and yet if anyone else so much as does anything to your kids you are ready to roar.
Yesterday it was freezing cold and so I elected not to take the kids outside for a walk. However, a bunch of Sawyer’s friends were playing out the front and he begged me to go and play with them. Since the exercise is good for him, and I know how much it means to him I decided to let him go out and play for a little while.
The group of “friends” he has are all neighbours which means the children range in age from him (the youngest) up to 11. It is actually a great group because they all play together really well and the older kids help the younger kids and everyone gets along great even with minimal supervision.
They play out the front of our house since we live off the road in a townhouse community. It is park out the front between the rows with two paved trails and trees and flowers down the centre. Being the mom I am, and the fact that he is so young, I usually go outside and watch from the bench in front of our house, but when it’s too cold for the twins I just check on him about every five minutes
I was in the kitchen watching them play out the window while making a cup of tea when I saw something so small, that brought out the biggest feelings in me. Kids are kids and they were just playing, but there was a moment where some of the bigger kids had run fast and I could see that Sawyer could not keep up and was struggling behind them. For a brief moment I could see the instantaneous look of sadness on his face that he was being left behind. It was barely a second before he was smiling again because he was, after all, having great fun and they were playing some game.
A minute later he had already forgotten about it, but I didn’t. My heart literally hurt in my chest seeing my little guy out there in the world, having things not go perfectly for him, and all I wanted to do was to fix it. He seemed so small, and vulnerable, and I hated to think that he was being treated unfairly (which he wasn’t at all and I knew that) or unhappy.
I have only felt this feeling a few times before and it scares me. I have to let him be a child and there is a big bad world out there. There will be times when the kids really are unfair, or worse, they purposely pick on him. There will be times when he won’t fit in, or when things don’t go his way and I just hate to even think about it. I would rather feel all his pain myself even if it meant taking it on at ten fold so that he could be happy. But of course the world doesn’t work that way.
I know it’s only a phase, and these feelings (I hope) will pass as he grows and I get used to him being in these types of situations. But I know that right now I have a tough time ahead of me because he is my little cub and I am his mama bear and I want to protect him and keep him safe and happy.
When he came in after playing he thanked me for letting him go out with his friends and announced to all of us that it was “a most wonderful day”. The grizzly inside me had now gone back to sleep but she peeked open one eye, as if to remind me that she is still watching, before returning to her slumber.
“I’ll have to get a leash for that one” I laughed to myself. Just like my baby, we both have some growing up to do.