I know today is wordless Wednesday but after writing that post, I realized I have a confession to make today.
Every time I see a pregnant lady, or maybe one that is just fat but looks like she might be pregnant, or even a skinny girl who maybe just ate a big lunch, I get jealous. As soon as I see that baby bump, perhaps a little waddle in her step, something involuntary stirs inside me causing a slew of emotions to rage around my chest, and I can’t seem to stop it.
I would think most people would feel happy, excited, or even a little scared when they find out a family member, friend or colleague is pregnant.
I feel jealous, bitter, and even a little angry. Even when it’s celebrities or strangers I don’t even know.
Because being pregnant was the best time of my life. I have been pregnant twice, and I would say they were both average pregnancies (except one was twins) and I LOVED it.
With my first pregnancy it was a little more complicated because I didn’t know what to expect, and I really wanted my new baby so I was a little more focused on the destination than the journey. But it was still wonderful.
But with the girls it was absolutely magical. Everyone around me said I glowed, and I did. And no, I am not mentally blocking out the morning sickness, carpal tunnel, knee issues, sleep issues, stretch marks… gosh, by the end I was a walking mess. But still, it was the most amazing time in my life, and I never wanted it to be over.
I love the attention you get when you are pregnant. I love that you can wear anything and look cute (and never worry about feeling fat). I love that I can eat without worrying about calories. I love showing how strong I am by carrying on like I am not pregnant, working and being active all with a huge belly. I love the anticipation of the new baby, the clothes, the toys etc. Always having company, the little baby in your belly to talk to and tickle, who kicks you and does somersaults to say thanks for the cookie.
I mean, come on, reproducing is, after all, what we are meant to do.
I love pregnancy so much that I wish I could be pregnant all the time. Heck, I even wish I could be pregnant with twins all the time!
But there is one tiny large problem.
Being pregnant means you are having a baby.
Since we are not planning on having any more children, that means I will never get to be preggers again.
So, everytime I see a pregnant woman, I get jealous.
I feel like I am a terrible person, and I know I need to get over it, that this stage of my life is over. Yet, when I think of giving away my maternity clothes, I can’t do it. When I accidentally come across them while cleaning they bring a smile to my face. When I look at all my old belly pics, I get melancholy.
Being the scholar I am, I googled it, so I know that there are many more women out there who feel the same way. But in all my research, I could never find a “cure” for my affliction.
I know, it’s not that simple, but I really wish it was. Sometimes, I even wish I had hated pregnancy so I would never want to be pregnant again, but then I realize I would never want to trade those experiences, although fleeting, for anything.
So while I keep making excuses to myself for my horrible thoughts please feel free to share your experiences and insights in the comments section. No need to tell me I am crazy, I already know.