Struggling with the difficult questions and searching for answers.
This year has been an amazing year for me. I have been very happy as I watched many of my dreams come to fruition. Giving birth to the twins, getting engaged, finding a great place to live, getting a new position at work…
All of the sudden, all the things I have spent years struggling for, bled for, sweat for, and cried for, were mine.
So what now?
Of course I am eternally grateful for all I have, and I realized it could be lost in a second, but for now I feel both lost and found at the same time.
The easy answer would be to say just maintain what you have. That is hard because life is fluid, and always changing. Plus, there is something more rewarding about working towards a goal. As anyone who has ever been on a diet will tell you, watching the pounds come off is great, but forever declining dessert just to maintain what you already have is significantly less thrilling.
I could always set new goals. Yes, that is something I am working on. I am thinking about going back to school and working towards a new certification. I am always learning and improving my skills both at work and at home, and obviously life isn’t perfect.
Still, it feels weird.
I suppose part of the problem is because I am lacking in an identity. For so long I defined myself by my struggles, once the struggles go away I feel like something is missing. How do I define myself now?
Yes, I am many things. A mother, a professional, a daughter, sister, fiancee, friend…but who am I?
That’s when I realized that since my life was on track, it was time to change my focus from outwards to inwards on myself. I have sustained a lot of scars and bruises, wisdom and knowledge, nightmares and memories along my journey this far that are all continually swirling within me. I need to find some order in the chaos and also some peace. I have made the life for myself I always wanted, but now I have to figure out how exactly I fit into it.
So my new goal is to work on mommy for a while, because I know that not only will it benefit me, it will make me better in all the aspects of my life.
Have you ever achieved your long term goals? What did you do next? How do you define yourself?