This post is inspired by one of my favourite blogs, Honestly Infertile. Even though I am not trying to get pregnant now, like any language, once you learn it you never forget. If you are a man you will be totally lost so today’s post is not for you. Feel free to visit Jo Blo and read about movies or something.
If you are trying to get pregnant or have been trying to get pregnant for a long time you will learn that those of us in the club have our very own language, the language of TTC (Trying to Conceive). It may be difficult at first to understand but before you know it you will even find yourself thinking in this language and you forget that there are others around you who have no clue what you are saying. So, in order to help you learn I have translated some of the useful terms you will need to know.
DH- dear husband: that poor man who is now your sidekick in this crazy world of trying to make a baby. He will endure your crazy hormones, sex on demand (okay that one he probably won’t mind) and getting sent to the drugstore to buy you more pregnancy tests because you started testing at CD 8 and ran out.
CD– this means cycle day. When you are TTC days of the week don’t matter anymore. Sadly, if it’s been a while even special occasions/holidays don’t matter anymore, it’s all about which day of your cycle you are on.
BD– this means baby dancing or as you will come to know it, tedious mechanical sex that you must have whether you are sick, tired or your favourite show is on because this is when you are Oing.
O-ovulation. The big day that you wait weeks for, so paranoid about missing that you take your temperature daily, pee on as many things as a male dog, grope your cervix and scientifically analyze your own mucus.
CP– cervical position. Yes, it moves! And you need to know where it is moving at all times to help predict when you need to do your BDing.
CM– cervical mucus. Like that stuff that comes out of your nose when you are sick, your cervix has its very own snot that you will find yourself collecting, playing with and even smelling trying to determine if it is in good shape to help carry those spermies to your egg.
POAS– pee on a stick. You will pee on them…a lot of them. From OPKs to HPTs your washroom may start to look more like a science lab with bowls of urine, test strips everywhere and maybe even a magnifying glass! Some women even turn into paos-a-holics who start peeing on everything just because there is a slight, almost non-existent chance they will get to see what they want to see.
OPK- ovulation predictor. This is the annoying strip of paper that you pee on (or dip in pee) and will give you headaches trying to determine if one pink line is as dark as the other. If you have money to burn or are new at the game then you may be lucky enough to get the ones that flash you a smile when it’s time to BD. But really, what is there to smile about? That’s for when you get your BFP.
LH-Luteinizing Hormone. This is the chemical that produces that second pink line on your OPK. When LH is high it means its go time so bust out the lingerie because you will ovulate in the next 24-48 hours.
DPO– days past ovulation (part of the TWW). This term is usually used when desperately trying to symptom spot to convince yourself that you may have been successful this cycle even when at this stage pregnancy symptoms and AF symptoms are the same because they are both caused by your rise in progesterone.
TWW-Two Week Wait. This refers to the agonizingly long time between BD/O and when you can take a test. Thanks in part to early result tests like FRERs you can cut that down to about 10 days, but really it takes fourteen to know for sure (or until AF shows up).
HPT– home pregnancy test. You know that thing that you want to see two pink lines on, or if you can afford it, this is the one you want smiling at you or saying the word pregnant.
FRER– First Response Early Result. The Cadillac of pregnancy tests, this one can tell when you are just a little bit pregnant with an HCG level of only 10! Even on sale they are pretty expensive, but trust me, nothing else on the market works as well. Never thought you’d throw away hundreds of dollars on things just to pee on did you?
HCG– Human chorionic gonadotropin. This is the chemical in your urine that will tell you that you are pregnant long before anything else can. It is what pregnancy tests are looking for in your urine. It is chemically similar to LH which is why if you are pregnant enough you will also get a positive OPK.
KMFX– Keeping my fingers crossed. This is often used as a tool of positive reinforcement for your fellow brethren. I am KMFX for you, lots of baby dust.
Baby Dust– to be honest I am still not sure what exactly that is but based on the use of the word it is a magical dust you can virtually sprinkle on anyone anywhere and it will help them get pregnant. I am not sure where you can buy it, but I haven’t seen it at Wal-Mart.
BFN– Big Fat Negative or the blaring white of a negative pregnancy test laughing in your face. This is a sign to either break out the iced cream or be hopeful because it is still early and it ain’t over until the wicked witch comes.
BFP– Big Fat Positive. The thing coveted by all women who are TTC. This one is really a misnomer since it technically refers to a really pale pink line on a piece of paper not a blaring sign flashing positive. But trust me, when you get it you will jump up and down like the next contestant on the Price is Right.
Now that you understand these terms you can write, speak and even think in them. This is the language of baby making. And you thought it was all just about one wild night without using birth control didn’t you?