It’s funny. I have the biggest mouth of anyone I know, and I love to talk, whether it’s to myself, one or two people or an auditorium full. Yet, when it comes down to the really important stuff the words get caught up in my throat and I can never get them out, not to my family, my husband, anyone.
Of course, like anything, if you keep it inside and hold on too tight it will eventually cause you pain. But since it seems like you have to get it out to start to let go, I get stuck.
Recently I heard this song by Sara Bareilles called Brave and it really moved me. It’s almost like she was speaking to me, telling me that I should say what I want to say, and that its okay to say it because they are my words. You can have a million fake identities in life, always trying to be the person you think people want you to be, but you can only have one true one.
I don’t know why it’s so hard sometimes to vocalize my emotions. Am I afraid of being judged? Maybe. Am I afraid of looking weak? Maybe. Am I afraid of causing pain in others by sharing my feelings? Yes. Do I feel awkward and embarrassed? Most definitely.
So, yesterday when my mother called me to tell me she had been diagnosed with cancer, I felt useless. I had no words to say. What do you say? I know she needed me, it was up to me to help her feel better. But I don’t know how I felt. Plus, I was so scared of saying the wrong thing I just reverted to my old habit of not saying much at all.
For the first time I am publishing a post as an unfinished thought because I can’t finish it. My mom has cancer and I have no idea what lies ahead. I don’t know what to think or how to feel. One minute I am fine, then I am sad, then I am angry, but really what I should be is helping her. I keep thinking to myself how much I will regret it and hate myself if I don’t do everything I can now while I have the chance, but then when it comes down to it I always clam up and chicken out.
I am going to keep listening to the song and hoping things will get better.