Having a mom who is ill with cancer has turned my life upside down. Not only is my mom sick, she was the light in my overloaded life, providing me with six hours a week of babysitting so that I could manage to keep it all together. While I am coping with this better than she is (the poor woman has been in and out of the hospital so much this week) it has really changed my perspective.
Her cancer is very aggressive and had spread more than the doctors thought so now they don’t know if they removed it all surgically. Then a day after coming home she was back in the hospital with heart trouble which they found was from a potentially fatal blood clot. My poor father is doing his best to care for her, but he is a mess (my mom was the pack leader in that house) and I am a mess because I want to be with her and I can’t and my world is out of whack and I am just making due. Really, I have been feeling more optimistic about things and mostly I try not to think about it. But when I do it all tends to pour on my head and I feel like I’m drowning.
I got to work at 5:40 this morning (I have to go in early with no sitter) and so I had 20 minutes to read blogs before I officially start. Reading the posts this morning I found myself getting more and more pissed off. Maybe because I am tired (I am but I am drinking my coffee) and maybe because I am in a bad mood (but I have actually been feeling a lot better these past few days) but really because my perspective has changed.
Posts I might have one found sympathetic, and left a “cheer up” now made me upset.
Really? You think YOUR life is tough?
Ooh, poor baby you SAHM with two older kids to look after, yeah you have it bad…
Oh your friend upset you, I don’t even have friends!
None of you are in my shoes. I would love to have your problems, your mother doesn’t have cancer, you don’t work full-time and manage with three kids without daycare, nanny or any other support than your husband. UGGH.
Keep in mind, while I want to scream I am not. I am letting these thoughts come and go and pass through, but since they are lingering this morning I thought blog!
I know these are awful, awful horrible thoughts, and I have zero rights to judge anyone. Plus, I know that you should never ever compare yourself to other people.
I am looking in the mirror again, but I decided to write this post so you know that I am not perfect (as if you ever thought I was), that we all feel this way sometimes, to just get it out, and maybe give you a little perspective. I know that reading about other people who have bigger problems than mine instantly makes me feel grateful for all I have so here ya go. Glad you aren’t me eh?
Oh, that felt good! LOL