The strong man who has known power all his life, may lose respect for that power. But a weak man knows the value of strength… and he knows compassion.
–Abraham Erskine from Captain America
In honour of National Infertility Awareness Week I have been preparing a whole series of posts. Most of them were ones I had written over the months but never actually published. When I wrote them, I was grieving the loss of my fertility and trying to let go of all the pain that I suffered during my struggle. Because I had started to become my affliction, when I tried to let go had a hard time figuring out who I was anymore.
After grieving and writing (and rollerblading), something finally changed. I was walking past a building window and my reflection caught my eye. I paused briefly to take a closer look. Around me I could see the reflections of several people including other mothers with their children and it just hit me. I am just as good as them. I am even better than some of them. So why am I allowing fertility to be the only measuring stick I use to compare myself to the world? (Not that I ever recommend comparing yourself to others, but hey, we all do it sometimes).
Today I want to share my joy with everyone and let people out there know that I am so much more than my infertility and so are you. Today I am making a choice to let go and be happy with the cards life has dealt me, because really I have a winning hand. I am choosing to remember my victory and not the battle. I am closing the door I walked through years ago and I am moving on.
I am one of the lucky ones. My battle only lasted a year and while I may still have scars I have something much more important. My beautiful wonderful healthy twin girls (and my special little boy).
Even though there were so many times I wanted to quit, I didn’t. I couldn’t. I looked deep down inside me and summoned strength I never knew I had to keep going, and you can too. And while I would often get down on myself for the fact that I have IF, I know now that I am so much more than that.
I am in great shape and look good for my age (and having given birth to twins). I have a university education. I have a good job. I have a family who loves me. I have the best man in the world who is both a wonderful partner and an amazing father. I have a nice home, a car, and everything I need.
Sure, there are lots of women out there who can get pregnant easily. So what? They will never truly know the value of what they possess. I do. And while they were given their gifts biologically, I have had to work hard for my accomplishments in life which means not a lot of people make it to where I do. I know that there are tons of people who would kill to be in my shoes. People who can’t find that right person or are stuck in a job they hate or in debt, unhappy with their appearance etc., etc.
Does this mean that I will never think about it? No. Will it still bother me sometimes when see women around me get pregnant so easily or worse, take it all for granted. Yes. But instead of feeling sad about my struggle or my loss, or angry because something that is so easy for most was so hard for me, I will remember that my life is unique and beautiful and that I triumphed over adversity with not one but two trophies to commemorate it.
So to all my fellow women and men who suffer from IF I just want to send you my love and support and let you know that there is hope. Know that no matter where you are in your path, if you haven’t gotten your happy ending its because you haven’t reached the end yet. Whether than end is a biological child, an adopted child, or even a life without children, you have a choice to find peace, and when you are ready, you will. Because really there is no end. Time never stops and life marches on and today I can finally say that I am ready to move on too.
P.S. The complete irony of it is that after a year of trying and eight months of fertility treatments, my twins were conceived during National Infertility Awareness Week 2012 (sorry if TMI) So hang in there 🙂