Today’s post is one I wrote a few months ago. It is about some of the feelings that I have felt since this whole thing began and marked the beginning of my letting go. You will probably find you have had similar thoughts if you also suffer from IF. It’s okay, it’s normal, and you need to feel the emotions in order to get through them, and writing helps.
This post is something I have thought about and tried to write for over a year, but for someone who can never keep her mouth shut, I am speechless when it comes to describing my battle with infertility
How do you describe what it feels like to be unable to do the thing we are biologically on this planet for, to reproduce?
How do you describe the heartbreak you feel when you try for months to get pregnant only to do everything right and still fail.
How do you describe the anger and jealousy as you watch people around you get pregnant, some of whom didn’t even want a baby?
How do you describe the sadness and guilt that haunts you when you found out that one of your precious babies died in your belly?
How do you describe the confusion and loss of self-identity as you try to live life knowing you are not the person you thought you were (someone who could get pregnant)?
Infertility is defined as a diminished or absent ability to conceive and bear offspring… but that does nothing to help define what a person with infertility struggles with.
The one thing I know is that I can’t do this alone. So, I have finally decided to open the door I have tried so desperately to close, only to have it continually blow open so hard it knocks me to the ground.
This is me. I suffer from infertility.
I am learning to let go, one word at a time.