Sometimes saying goodbye is easier than you think.
I have not really blogged in a couple of weeks now, and while at a time that would have been very hard for me, surprisingly it hasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I am sad to say goodbye to the way of life I thought I had designed for me, but here is such freedom and relief that comes from letting go and moving on that it feels amazing.
I am so grateful to my blog for helping me cope with my maternity leave and providing me a stable outlet when my life was being turned upside down. That was a big year, and I couldn’t have done it without playing the Game and without having you play it with me. But I am not that pregnant lady anymore. I am a mother of three and a soon to be important executive.
After the last few years of trying to find my identity, I finally I found it. Turns out it was there all along, I had just buried in underneath the things I thought I should be. They say surround yourself with the people you want to be. Well when you spend all your time reading blogs about having babies and motherhood it’s pretty easy to be consumed by it. And when you are a working mom with IF and “only” three kids it is easy to get down on yourself for coming up short in comparisons.
Being a mother is the most important thing I will ever do and I will always strive to be the best one I can, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be more to me than that. Not to mention, when you are trying so hard to be something you are not, you will never be truly happy.
In these past few weeks I have remembered that I am a woman again. I am pretty and I am fit. I have remembered that I am an executive again. I am smart and I am skilled. I have remembered that I am a partner again. I love Daddy and we can still be “in love”. All of these things were always there and yet for some reason they didn’t matter, they weren’t enough, or I simply didn’t believe they existed.
In these past two weeks I have had men flirt with me, gone to see movies, got dressed up and partied at a wedding (where everyone complimented my outfit and constantly told me they could not believe I have three kids). I have been rollerblading and walking the dogs by myself. I have been reading and studying in preparation for my new job. All of the things I used to love about life the most that I somehow felt guilty to like until now. It was as if I was afraid that if I let myself like things that had nothing to do with being a mother or my kids, it meant that I was a bad one or somehow longed for my life before kids (which I most certainly don’t). Of course, now I see that this is not true at all, to be the best person I can be I have to be ME.
So I guess that is the end of Project Me as well. All the lessons and challenges were not so much learning new things as remembering the old. The seeds I had been planting my whole life, that were still there, just temporarily buried by the recent storms I have survived.
Oh and as for my mom, well, although she is sick, she is doing better. Her and my Dad were always fighting over stupid things and now since he has bent over backwards to take care of her they are closer than before. She is also very proud and wants me to succeed at my new job so she is working hard on getting better and staying positive now more than ever.
Probably just coincidence or the stories your mind tells you to help make sense of a random world, but the older I get the more I realize everything happens for a reason. The reason I worked in an awful job years ago was so I could meet the love of my life (yes, we met on the job). The reason it took me so long to get pregnant was because we were having twins and I would need the extra time. The reason it took so long to get this new job was because I couldn’t have done it while my mom had to undergo surgery.
I can only hope that anyone who is reading this eventually finds the peace and clarity I am feeling because it is so amazing. I feel like I can finally breathe again. The baggage is gone and the weight is lifted, which is so surprising since I didn’t even realize I was carrying so much around with me to begin with. There is real joy in my heart, and in spite of it all no regrets.
So in the end, I am not saying goodbye, I am actually saying hello. Hello it a new me, a new start, a new life. Hello to the world of endless possibilities that exist outside the box I have been living in.
But do I feel alive?