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Mommy Musings: Thoughts and Opinions, PROJECT ME

You Say Goodbye and I Say Hello

Sometimes saying goodbye is easier than you think.

goodbye1I have not really blogged in a couple of weeks now, and while at a time that would have been very hard for me, surprisingly it hasn’t.  Don’t get me wrong, I am sad to say goodbye to the way of life I thought I had designed for me, but here is such freedom and relief that comes from letting go and moving on that it feels amazing.

I am so grateful to my blog for helping me cope with my maternity leave and providing me a stable outlet when my life was being turned upside down.  That was a big year, and I couldn’t have done it without playing the Game and without having you play it with me.  But I am not that pregnant lady anymore.  I am a mother of three and a soon to be important executive.

After the last few years of trying to find my identity, I finally I found it.  Turns out it was there all along, I had just buried in underneath the things I thought I should be.  They say surround yourself with the people you want to be.  Well when you spend all your time reading blogs about having babies and motherhood it’s pretty easy to be consumed by it.  And when you are a working mom with IF and “only” three kids it is easy to get down on yourself for coming up short in comparisons.

Being a mother is the most important thing I will ever do and I will always strive to be the best one I can, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be more to me than that.  Not to mention, when you are trying so hard to be something you are not, you will never be truly happy.

In these past few weeks I have remembered that I am a woman again.  I am pretty and I am fit.  I have remembered that I am an executive again.  I am smart and I am skilled.  I have remembered that I am a partner again.  I love Daddy and we can still be “in love”.  All of these things were always there and yet for some reason they didn’t matter, they weren’t enough, or I simply didn’t believe they existed.

In these past two weeks I have had men flirt with me, gone to see movies, got dressed up and partied at a wedding (where everyone complimented my outfit and constantly told me they could not believe I have three kids).  I have been rollerblading and walking the dogs by myself.  I have been reading and studying in preparation for my new job.  All of the things I used to love about life the most that I somehow felt guilty to like until now.  It was as if I was afraid that if I let myself like things that had nothing to do with being a mother or my kids, it meant that I was a bad one or somehow longed for my life before kids (which I most certainly don’t).  Of course, now I see that this is not true at all, to be the best person I can be I have to be ME.

So I guess that is the end of Project Me as well.  All the lessons and challenges were not so much learning new things as remembering the old.  The seeds I had been planting my whole life, that were still there, just temporarily buried by the recent storms I have survived.

Oh and as for my mom, well, although she is sick, she is doing better.  Her and my Dad were always fighting over stupid things and now since he has bent over backwards to take care of her they are closer than before.  She is also very proud and wants me to succeed at my new job so she is working hard on getting better and staying positive now more than ever.

Probably just coincidence or the stories your mind tells you to help make sense of a random world, but the older I get the more I realize everything happens for a reason. The reason I worked in an awful job years ago was so I could meet the love of my life (yes, we met on the job).  The reason it took me so long to get pregnant was because we were having twins and I would need the extra time.  The reason it took so long to get this new job was because I couldn’t have done it while my mom had to undergo surgery.

I can only hope that anyone who is reading this eventually finds the peace and clarity I am feeling because it is so amazing.  I feel like I can finally breathe again.  The baggage is gone and the weight is lifted, which is so surprising since I didn’t even realize I was carrying so much around with me to begin with.  There is real joy in my heart, and in spite of it all no regrets.

So in the end, I am not saying goodbye, I am actually saying hello.  Hello it a new me, a new start, a new life.  Hello to the world of endless possibilities that exist outside the box I have been living in.

goodbye3Is it exciting?

Yes.

Scary?

Yes.

But do I feel alive?

Yes!

NAMASTE

 

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About Shannon

I am a university educated full-time working mother of four children. Proudly Canadian, I freeze my butt off along with my loving partner, two dogs and a cat. I hope you enjoy reading my posts as much as I love writing them, but if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Discussion

25 thoughts on “You Say Goodbye and I Say Hello

  1. I think this is great! I can totally relate as well. I’m not sure how “regular” moms cope once they have multiple children. I’m sure they still experience that finding me desire but it is especially prevalent in twin moms I think. I feel like that’s my label, flashing in neon lights above my head. When someone asks me interesting facts about myself they don’t care that I like to read or that I’m training for a biathlon. As soon as I say I have twins it’s a game of 20 questions and they no longer care about ME. That first year was survival for me but the second year, I really figured out who I was and it’s the best thing in the world! So congrats to YOU, Shannon, for finding Shannon and being awesome at it.

    Posted by Heather C | May 2, 2014, 8:18 am
    • Thanks Heather. Its funny how you don’t notice things until someone points them out but yes, my twins definitely defined me. And while it didn’t bother me on the surface I guessbi always wanted more. I appreciate your kind words and support. This has been a very crazy and emotional time (big changes always are) and my colleagues have been less than sympathetic (barely any congratulations, I wonder if because they are jealous). So thanks so much for everything. I will miss you. I didn’t know about the biathlon but that is fantastic and I wish you all the best. I will still be following you on FB so I won’t miss everything 🙂

      Posted by Shannon | May 2, 2014, 8:39 am
  2. I’ve only recently come to be happy in myself, being myself. Maybe it does come with age or maybe it’s seeing how much your kids love you, warts and all, that you begin to love and value yourself. Whatever the reason, it’s a liberating feeling!!

    Posted by linbritt | May 3, 2014, 10:05 am
  3. Im on a journey to, this is inspirational.

    Posted by Expat Mammy | May 3, 2014, 11:55 am
  4. You’re very inspiring! I’m happy to come across this post today. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and beautiful words. 🙂

    Posted by Sherrie | May 3, 2014, 12:20 pm
  5. This is very inspiring and hopeful to read. Thank you

    Posted by margotnj12 | May 3, 2014, 12:32 pm
  6. Gosh. I absolutely love your blog, and scour through my dash/reader to find your posts, and then I found this one and after reading only a couple of words, I immediately liked it. I haven’t been on your team long (meaning I haven’t followed you long….I don’t mean it in the mean way) but I am really proud of you (this is probs weird to hear from a total stranger) and I just wanted to let you know that I will support you, I wish good luck to you and best of all, want to tell you congrats! This was very inspiring.

    Posted by Fantasy Angel | May 3, 2014, 3:39 pm
  7. Hope you’ll pop in periodically and keep us posted! Best of luck!!!!

    Posted by Theresa | May 3, 2014, 8:03 pm
  8. This was amazing, I am totally inspired!

    Posted by Kristina | May 4, 2014, 12:01 am
  9. This made me smile. I can feel that immense sense of clarity that happens when things fall into place. All the best to you in your new job Shannon!

    Posted by martinimomblog | May 4, 2014, 8:52 pm
  10. I really enjoyed this post. Glad to see that you feel at peace and are happy. I also feel as though things happen for reasons that aren’t understood until after they have fully surfaced. 🙂

    Posted by iyaya10 | May 5, 2014, 9:32 am
  11. Wow!!! Congrats for everything!
    Shall sorely miss your posts in my Reader but so glad you are moving on to better things in life. Enjoy! All the very best and success for all endeavours- current and future.

    Posted by nirupamaprv | May 5, 2014, 12:27 pm
  12. I really enjoyed this post. Made me smile to read that you have “found” or better yet, unburied yourself. “to be the best person I can be I have to be ME.” love this sentence! Hope your mom continues to do better and congrats on the job!!!

    Posted by Mother's Realm | May 5, 2014, 2:09 pm

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