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Helpful Tips/Advice/Recipes, Mommy Musings: Thoughts and Opinions, Sexy Saturdays

Sexy Saturdays: The Relationship Doomed By Kids?

spellAfter spending months focusing on myself and my parenting skills, I have decided to focus  some attention to my relationship.

Lately I have been feeling somewhat disconnected from Daddy.  Our conversations centre around chores and the kids, we get no time to ourselves, sex is like work, and I want to make it better.  So being the little school girl I am I hit the net and self-help sections to find that magical book or website that would be my salvation.

SMACK!

Oh.  That’s the sound of me, hitting my head against the wall.  While there is more than enough information out there I could not seem to find anything that relates to me or our situation.

1. We have been together close to 10 years (i.e.. novelty is long gone)

2. We both work full-time.

3. We both work opposite schedules (so that there is always someone to watch the kids).

4. We have three young children.

You would be amazed at how frustrated I quickly became reading article after article that started off promising but quickly became unadaptable to my situation.

Creating Intimacy

For example, so many articles talk about keeping your relationship strong by spending time together, watching a movie on the couch together or even just eating dinner together.  Well, no, no and no.  None of those are viable options!

Working on the Relationship

Most of the information I have read has a common thread: you need to invest time and energy into your relationship.  That’s great advice, and I agree with it whole heartedly.  But no article can tell me where exactly I am supposed to get that time or energy when I am stretched thin and exhausted as it is.  It takes everything I have to give and more to care for the kids, the animals, do my job, try to squeeze in time for myself, when the heck to I find time to work on the relationship?  The time I am currently using is reading on my phone on my break or during transit!

Sex Tips

Then there is the sex advice.  Some people  say schedule sex, other’s say to avoid it.  Is it the quality or the quantity that matters?  I will be honest.  There are only two possible days a week when we could even do it, if we are both not too tired, and let’s face it, it is anything but romantic.  Especially for me.  I am a very spontaneous person and when I am in the mood I am and when I am not I am not.  Since my energy level dramatically drops as the day wears on (I am a morning person) but the time all the kids are in bed at 10pm I am ready for bed myself.  I am barely awake never mind feeling sexy.  And then there is the pressure.  Well, if we don’t to something it will be a whole week before we can again.

Date Night

Ugh, that word makes me cringe.  It’s great.  I’d love one.  But nope that is just not an option right now.

Communication

Communication is definitely important in a relationship, but again it’s the how to I am lost on.  Most of our communication is done via text message or calls on our lunch breaks, neither of which are good times to be talking about important topics.  Thus we rarely get to talk about important things and maybe spend too much time talking about the unimportant ones (please remember to take the garbage…)

Get Out of the Rut

I listened to a few experts talk about how humans like spontaneity.  We are hard-wired to be attracted to new so when you are in a long-term relationship we get bored.  Yet, while I agree with this wholeheartedly, how are you supposed to mix it up when you have three little ones?  You can just have sex in the middle of the day, or pop out to see a movie, or even just go for a quiet walk together.  Everything is an undertaking.  Even though I am a pretty laid back parent and will often dash out with the kids with nothing more than an extra diaper in my purse,  it’s still a lot of work!

Perhaps I am just making excuses?  I mean, overall we are in a happy relationship, and I love Daddy with all my heart. I am so lucky to have found someone who is easy to be with and who loves me so much.

But at the same time, I want to make sure we stay in love.

Perhaps I am upset because all this advice is just telling me what I already know?

I mean come on, most of this is common sense.

Or maybe it’s just that having kids doomed our relationship?  Of course I don’t think this but they have taken away all my free time and money, my body,  and of course my coveted independence.  They are the reason we never see each other since it’s their care that dictates our schedules and the reason why we don’t have couple fun (luckily we do have family fun).

Homer-QuotesSo there’s my rant for the day.  If you have any advice for me feel free to share it in the comments section.  OR if you are the lucky one who knows of a book, website, article that I would find useful (actually applies to my I suppose unique situation) please do let me know because Google has been less than forthcoming.

Have  a Sexy Saturday!

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About Shannon

I am a university educated full-time working mother of three children and expecting #4. Proudly Canadian, I freeze my butt off along with my loving partner, two dogs and a cat. I hope you enjoy reading my posts as much as I love writing them, but if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Discussion

9 thoughts on “Sexy Saturdays: The Relationship Doomed By Kids?

  1. i hear ya … just the exact same thing in my house. I would say Sex has become a chore that no one wants to start. And once started, it has to end quickly as it is, after all, a chore 😦

    Posted by MommyBegins | June 1, 2014, 1:58 am
  2. I was touched by this post. I have to say your situation sounds awfully familiar. Due to somehow feeling reluctant about having “someone else” look after our small kids, we also adapted our work schedules from the beginning. He works during the day, I work evenings and weekends. The time home together is little, and -often – not of the kind of quality that you could describe as “relationship building time.”

    I have noticed that, now that my youngest is nearly four and starting school soon, things seem to be getting easier. But IT WAS REALLY HARD, FOR A LONG TIME. I’m not sure you can force life/ your marriage to be different than circumstances demand of you both at the present, even if some self-help book has some smaltz-y “ten easy steps” plan for doing so. I think at some point you kind of give up on being what you were before and learn to embrace the change. It’s part of growing older, I suppose.

    10 years into a relationship you have lots of counting on each other, friendship, and memories of romance to fall back on. You are an experienced couple! Your husband is your (hopefully) partner for life. Life is not always easy. It’s not always sex on beds of rose petals surrounded by candles and incense or whatever. My best advice is try to enjoy your time together with your children for now. Have fun and make new memories. Believe it or not, this time, too, is short. Soon they will be bigger and your life, and relationship, will be in yet another new phase.

    Other than that, romantic notes are nice. Maybe if he surprised you with flowers or you surprised him with a special dinner (not necessarily a “child-free” one, just something you know he likes), or perhaps packed him a special lunch or something sometime. Quick kisses and little touches DO help too. Just little things that let the other know you still care. Even taking an extra turn to take out the garbage or water the lawn can build good feelings. And always try to remember you are both still part of the same team, with the same goals.

    I don’t know if this advice is helpful or not. Having small child IS hard and does disconnect you from your spouse, for a time at least. Things will get better. Wishing you and your hubbie all the best…

    Posted by butterflymumma | June 2, 2014, 12:41 pm
    • Thanks so much for sharing your personal story and all the great information. I can tell you appreciate my perspective and it is nice to know that there is a (potential) light at the end of the tunnel. I wish you all the best as well and I am glad to hear you made it work 🙂

      Posted by Shannon | June 2, 2014, 3:53 pm
  3. Lol oh my! You just described my life! No time, no sitters, and just too yired! Let me know if you find the magic secret, me and my hubby have been married for ten years and have three kids so time, money and all of that is limited!

    Posted by April | June 8, 2014, 7:02 pm
    • Well married for 10 years you must be doing something right! I was hoping it would get better once the kids are a bit older (I mean 3 under 3 yada yada) but you’ve got me worried! Have a great weekend

      Posted by Shannon | June 8, 2014, 7:04 pm
      • Lol don’t be worried, ours are 6,4 and 1 it’s just alot of energy, some things are better like we sleep through the night so there’s that 🙂

        Posted by April | June 8, 2014, 9:40 pm
      • Yeah, I suppose life without a twinnado is (just a tad) easier 😉

        Posted by Shannon | June 8, 2014, 9:45 pm
      • Lol I would think so! I truly admire how you are able to juggle twins! Enjoy the rest of your Sunday 🙂

        Posted by April | June 8, 2014, 9:48 pm

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