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Mommy Musings: Thoughts and Opinions, PROJECT ME

How I Cried At Yoga

My favourite tattoo of an OHM symbol with the Buddha in it.

My favourite tattoo of an OHM symbol with the Buddha in it.

As part of my get healthier initiative I have decided to trade in some of my cardio sessions for classes instead. Today was my first day of Vinyasa yoga. The results were unexpected.

I used to be very into Yoga and when I was in my early twenties I had extreme strength and flexibility. Of course, that was a decade ago so I knew that the class was going to be a challenge and boy did I work up a sweat.

It was a small class and the instructor was amazing. As I was the only new comer she gave me lots of help tweaking my poses and encouraging me. I had a lot of problems with my shoulders and she could not believe how tight they were. No surprise to me since I am so stressed out these days, but still good to know it’s not in my mind.

It’s what happened at the beginning/end of the class that shocked me. We were relaxing and breathing in and out as we were told to find peace and let go. Sounds easy right? Definitely easier than some of the poses we did! But as I laid there and I tried to let go and find peace I panicked. I couldn’t let go, no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t, just for one second, let go of the pain and the stress and the sadness.

As I realized what a horrible person I have become and that my entire existence has now become predicated on my health issues. I have so many amazing things in my life and a million reasons to be happy and up until about a year ago I was. But now I am just consumed by my pain and I cannot even go for 30 seconds, never mind a 45 minute yoga class without thinking about it.

And so I cried. I felt pains in my chest and I cried.

Got back from the class and feeling great physically but still reeling from the shock of how low I have sunk. It almost feels like I don’t want to let go.

I can’t let go.

But why?

I don’t know the answer to that question and I don’t even know why I am really writing this post since it isn’t really helpful or enlightening to anyone. If you do bother to read it I guess it highlights the awesome power of Yoga.

I am going to try again on Monday and I have an appointment with the doctor as part of “get healthier” so maybe he/she can help me there. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Namaste

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About Shannon

I am a university educated full-time working mother of three children and expecting #4. Proudly Canadian, I freeze my butt off along with my loving partner, two dogs and a cat. I hope you enjoy reading my posts as much as I love writing them, but if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Discussion

15 thoughts on “How I Cried At Yoga

  1. Hang in there. Hope everything is okay with you. I’ve been out of the blogosphere for a while so will have catching up to do. I just wrote about trying to get fit, too, which I know is not exactly what your post is about. Anyway. Be well.

    Posted by sparrow | February 27, 2015, 2:13 pm
  2. I love yoga but am a newbie and get confused over which kind is what. I am sorry you felt so down, but we all shed tears at times. Especially moms. I think you have to be “on alert” so much it wears you down. Hope you got a breather and get stretched and relaxed soon. http://lilypupslife.wordpress.com/

    Posted by lilypup | February 27, 2015, 2:19 pm
    • Thanks. I cry a lot actually, especially now. I have done all different types of yoga and they are all great. I just took this kind because it’s the class I could get into. I am glad I did though because the instructor was amazing. And I suppose you have to realize how bad things are in order move on right? Thanks for reading.

      Posted by Shannon | February 27, 2015, 2:56 pm
      • I am so sorry you are crying a lot. I do that when seriously depressed. It feels awful and you can’t really explain it to anyone. I am thinking of you and if it’s okay, you are on my prayer list.

        Posted by lilypup | February 27, 2015, 2:58 pm
  3. sounds like you did let go …a bit…with the crying. that was something bursting out, escaping, right…a first step. lately i have been hovering between sobbing and throwing something every few days. sometimes for a few days at a time. if i start to really think about why it becomes so hard and confusing and sad that I just stop, shake my head and say `get over it`. you know, tough-loving myself. i think it is not helping. i think you would likely agree. i think you need to go back to yoga and cry some more. i would go with you, except it would be a bit of a commute. i`ll be there in spirit.

    Posted by dodgepoe | February 27, 2015, 2:32 pm
    • Thanks! I think I may need to see a shrink but finding time for things is so tough when you work full time. Lucky for me, my gym/yoga studio is right in my office building. I hope things get better for you. For me there is only one true cure but that just isn’t happening. Have a good weekend.

      Posted by Shannon | February 27, 2015, 2:59 pm
  4. The yoga did the job it was supposed to do. You let that emotion out rather than hold it in. And sometimes we write not for anyone to read but so we can process. Take care of you. Happy weekend!

    Posted by rgemom | February 27, 2015, 2:34 pm
  5. It is hard to let go. It’s like all the other muscles you used at yoga – you have to practice and work them before they are able to perform as you would like them too. You’ll get there, you just have to keep at it. Good luck and happy thoughts are coming your way!

    Posted by kellimperrault | February 27, 2015, 6:08 pm
  6. Yoga is a very emotional experience for me. Running too. Brings out all kinds of reactions in me. PS I have a very hard time letting go of my health issues. In fact, I can’t. If I do and I slip up I falter in taking care of myself. It makes it very hard to relax.

    Posted by Princess Mommy | February 27, 2015, 10:42 pm
    • Thanks for sharing. I have cried during cardio too. That’s sort of what I do sometimes work my ass off with the music cranked and let the tears flow. It is cathartic for me anyway. But this was just so unexpected. I was supposed to be there to feel less stressed and I couldn’t even put aside my thoughts for one second. It also hurt because the instructor said it like it was so easy and I remember a time for me when it was but with every disappointing month I have just been sinking deeper and deeper. I hope you can find some relaxation too. I have also started acupuncture to see if that helps. Have a good a weekend.

      Posted by Shannon | February 28, 2015, 9:27 am

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  1. Pingback: My First Accupuncture Appointment | A Game of Diapers - March 2, 2015

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