As part of my get healthier initiative I have decided to trade in some of my cardio sessions for classes instead. Today was my first day of Vinyasa yoga. The results were unexpected.
I used to be very into Yoga and when I was in my early twenties I had extreme strength and flexibility. Of course, that was a decade ago so I knew that the class was going to be a challenge and boy did I work up a sweat.
It was a small class and the instructor was amazing. As I was the only new comer she gave me lots of help tweaking my poses and encouraging me. I had a lot of problems with my shoulders and she could not believe how tight they were. No surprise to me since I am so stressed out these days, but still good to know it’s not in my mind.
It’s what happened at the beginning/end of the class that shocked me. We were relaxing and breathing in and out as we were told to find peace and let go. Sounds easy right? Definitely easier than some of the poses we did! But as I laid there and I tried to let go and find peace I panicked. I couldn’t let go, no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t, just for one second, let go of the pain and the stress and the sadness.
As I realized what a horrible person I have become and that my entire existence has now become predicated on my health issues. I have so many amazing things in my life and a million reasons to be happy and up until about a year ago I was. But now I am just consumed by my pain and I cannot even go for 30 seconds, never mind a 45 minute yoga class without thinking about it.
And so I cried. I felt pains in my chest and I cried.
Got back from the class and feeling great physically but still reeling from the shock of how low I have sunk. It almost feels like I don’t want to let go.
I can’t let go.
I don’t know the answer to that question and I don’t even know why I am really writing this post since it isn’t really helpful or enlightening to anyone. If you do bother to read it I guess it highlights the awesome power of Yoga.
I am going to try again on Monday and I have an appointment with the doctor as part of “get healthier” so maybe he/she can help me there. I hope everyone has a great weekend!